THE LOCATION:
Your favorite theater, in the middle row, with an even number of seats on either side (dead-center, best seat in the house).
THE EVENT:
You are attending the much anticipated final installment of a film trilogy in a public theater. You are at a pre-release midnight showing, no one knows how this series is going to end, and you’ve abstained from any spoilers as best you can. You’ve waited for 10 years to se the conclusion of this cinematic masterpiece.
The action has slowed, the loud and action packed climax has happened. The antigonist and protagonist are inches apart, and one of them leans in to hear the final whisper of the other… You sit tense at the edge of your seat, the whole of the theater is in a quiet hush, collectively holding their breath…
*Crunch crunch crinkle crinkle rustle rustle*
That is the noise of the theater-goer 3 aisles over, 4 rows down. He is fishing out the last of his finger-food from it’s container. This has drowned out the whispered line, the line that would give closure to the whole trilogy. You missed it.
“NNOOOOOO!” cries the astonished actor on set. You echo this internally, having just had the experience ruined. Credits roll.
—
Well, that was a bit dramatic, but you know what I mean. Some sum-a-bitch is trying to eat their salted or sugared snackfood they purchased at the concessions for a ridiculously inflated cost. Hell, that interrupter could be you.
I have no idea why theaters insist on selling auditory disruptions. Maybe no one has made a packaging design that is quiet, will keep the product fresh, and still affordable. But, in my quest to try and not be *that* rude person at a public event I came up with an easy and effective way to eat the little boxed snacks at a subdued volume.
-
- Have a box of candy, one that comes with the candy in a sealed (yet crinkly) plastic bag.
-
- Open box and remove plastic bag. Open plastic bag.
-
- Pop open box like so.
-
- Pour candies into box.
-
- Pinch box above candy line.
-
- Tear off the top (not candy containing side) of box at pinch line.
-
- BAMN you have a shallow bowl that contains your snacks. No crinkly plastic, no tipping the box to pour out candies (resulting in an annoying rolling sound OR your candy falling everwhere). EAT IN PEACE.
